I couldn't get myself to write much of anything this past winter season. In this culture and society I find myself in, what is normal and expected in relation to time (instant gratification, 24 hour availability, constant productivity) is not something I can expect of my own body or mind or spirit. I was sick for almost an entire month and while most of the time I could still teach and work anything beyond that felt impossible. Maybe I could have pushed myself harder but I didn't.
I also found out that I wasn't selected for the humanities center fellowship so I won't have funding next year. I understand that this feeling of rejection is not personal or unusual and is a large part of being in academia but it makes it really difficult to keep going just to finish the degree. From conferences to funding this no is yet another no in a long string of no over the past 2-3 years.
I find myself in a similar situation as this time last year.
How will I finish? How will I support myself?
It's frustrating to try to do things differently but end up in the same spot.
I then find myself in a catch-22 bind... I want to finish my dissertation so I need to work to support myself but if I work too many hours I'm too tired to write and I won't finish. (OR) I work less hours so that I have time to write but then I don't make enough to cover all my expenses so then I'm stressed out and I cant write.
(OR) I leave now and find full time work and regret that I couldn't finish and become bitter?
I can't tell if this is a situation where I should dig in and keep trying or accept defeat.
What is the wise thing to do? Beyond ego gratification.
Maybe I just can't do it. Maybe I'm not smart enough. Maybe my ideas really aren't that interesting.
I'm really tired of hearing no.
I've always been like this... I just have a hard time with "no."
I've gotten better now and I'm much more interested in cultivating compromise where everyone gets a portion of "yes" than a binary of "yes" and "no."
So I wonder... is there really a solution where I can work just enough hours to financially get by and still have enough time and energy to write?
I have some time between now and June to figure it out but in this moment I'm not sure.